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being a person of purpose

jesse and robyn brooks

Entry 17

While Jesse continues to fight for good health now as I do, I can also see her taking a new and different path with her personal life. She used to eat for the same reasons that I once did, because she was sad and the food would medicate her, to comfort her. Now at the age of eleven, and after watching me go through so many life changes, she is becoming more aware of her personal appearance.

Jesse came into this life fighting every step of the way after being born with spina bifida. At the age of six hours, she had her first surgery, and spent the first half of her life in and out of the hospital. There has been emotional damage done to her also during my years of living in darkness, but unlike Robyn, who could choose to leave, she has had to stay by my side and experience a lot of the same emotions I have had in my new journey of recovery. Jesse has forgiven both Robyn and me every time we have made mistakes in our lives. Never once has she stopped believing in either one of us. I can see her growing and laying the groundwork for her own journey to find her true purpose in life now.

There have been so many physical limitations in Jesse’s life, and people have used that to feel sorry for her and take pity in her. As for me, I am now seeing this amazing young girl…soon to be an even more amazing young woman that is destined for great things. I believe she will someday have her own great story to tell, just as her big sister Robyn will.

I had to forgive myself for thinking Jesse’s disabilities were a punishment to her to pay for my unforgivable sin, and I had to ask for her forgiveness also. I do not see that anymore. Just like me, Jesse is a child of God. Her destiny was planned long before I conceived her. I truly believe now that God does not give us any more than we can handle if we truly give Him our faith and love. Jesse handles her life with great pride and dignity. She now has dreams and hopes of being a person of purpose and not just one of circumstance.

Entry # 18

In just a couple of weeks, I will have eighteen months of recovery in me, and I will soon be receiving my 18-month chip. I have decided to take the second year of my recovery to reprocess all that I have learned and to decide what my next step should be. I have learned to live life one day at a time. My life now consists of daily decisions made from a heart filled with God’s Love instead of a mind that knew all the tricks of darkness to use on me.

Some of the most inspirational times during these last eighteen months have been on Friday nights at CR during sessions we call the round table. We all gather together in a big circle and talk about where we are in our recovery process. At this round table, there are people fighting sex addictions, drug and alcohol addictions, physical and emotional addictions, and co-dependants trying to save everyone but themselves.

In the beginning of my recovery, I used to fear these people and dreaded having to sit in that circle and be asked to talk about my life. I believed these people had nothing at all in common with me, and therefore they could not do anything for me except to maybe try and send me back into the darkness of my past life. As time went by, I began to see that all of them were just like me. We were all there at that round table reaching out to one another in all our brokenness, seeking any kind of wisdom we could and hoping to get just one more step down our roads of recovery. I even began to see that, at the very same time we were all seeking guidance from one another, we were also filling each other with new spiritual food.

Each Friday night we gain strength from stories of old battles fought and lessons learned. We now have this unbreakable chain that we have formed with one another. If we see someone starting to fall, we take that chain, circle it around our fallen brother or sister and help to hold them up till they can stand on their own once again. We do know that we cannot save one another, but we can however unite together to support each other unconditionally.

Two years ago, I came into this family circle a defeated and lost person with no voice at all. Today I stand hand-in-hand in that circle with people from all different walks of life. These people now trust me to be a link in that chain that now binds us all together, and that to me is an amazing thing.

Now here I am at the age of fifty-one, starting all over again in my personal life, only this time with God leading the way. There is also now a calling in my heart that Celebrate Recovery is the place that God wants me to give back all the new wisdoms I have learned that helped to bring me out of darkness. I know he will call me to that role when he is ready for that journey to begin. There are some favorite verses I love to read that help guide me at times through the process of my recovery.

Psalms 51:8-13

Oh give me back my joy again,

You have broken me, now let me rejoice,

Do not keep looking at my sins,

Remove the stain of my guilt, and

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

Renew a right spirit within me,

Do not banish me from your presence,

And don’t take your holy spirit from me.

Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and my willingness to obey you.

Then I will teach your way to sinners, and they will return to you.

When my recovery comes full circle, I hope to be able to live these words completely and always honestly, for that is the heart I yearn to have.

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About me

  • I'm healing hoves
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  • after 20 years of emotional abuse from my family, I have finally taken the steps to comeback to God's Grace and Love. I have been in recovery at Celebrate Recovery for two and one half years. These journals I will be adding from my first book are my encounters of my first two years of recovery. I am writing a second book Healing Hooves it will be a story about my 12 year old daughter who is wheel chair bound and how she found reached to great elements of success thru horse thearpy
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