« Home | mother and child Entry # 12 It is tim... » | Entry # 10 As each layer of darkness began to pee... » | Entry # 7 One Friday night right before T... » | Taking the hand of God's Warrior and giving Him ... » | Finding Hope Again Entry #4 The days seem... » | Loosing everything that tells the story of who you... » | My Life Changing ... » | MY EARLY YEARS BEFORE THE DARKNESS CAM... » | A Word About Sonja Brooks ... »

flying with the angels Entry # 13 I am finding out that the number-one roadblock in my recovery is my fear of being seen and heard, especially in front of men. When my father disinherited me for marrying Timmy, it had a devastating effect on me. As the years went by, I was always afraid of every man that came into my life. What I could not understand is why this one man, even though he was my father, made me afraid of all men. It was when I started going back in time, while I was doing my personal inventory, that I realized my father was not the entire reason for my fear of men. He was just the one who finally pushed me over the edge to bring that fear to life. I started to pull up old memories that had been pushed down deep inside of me, and all of a sudden, all the pains of those times started to surface once again. I found myself going back to the time in my life when I loved riding horses so much, and when that love started to change to fear. I remembered the day my uncle said he wanted to take me to the pasture to show me all the land and animals and to have a long ride together with me. I could feel him getting up in that the saddle as I was in, and riding behind me all the way. After we got deep into the woods, he would start to put his arms around me really hard. Then he would slide his hands into my shirt feeling all over my body. I would squirm and beg him to stop, but he would always threaten me by saying he would leave me in the woods all alone if I did not be still. There were over one hundred acres in those woods and parts of it were very scary to me. So I would just get really stiff in that saddle and just try to escape inside of my own self until he would stop. This happened to me time and time again, and always my fear would make me keep this secret that was stealing my innocence away from me. I got to where, when my parents said we were going to their house, I would try to find all kinds of excuses for us not to go. Yet I always seemed to end up back on that horse letting him do those horrible things to me. I hated that I was so weak and believed him each time he said it would be ok, and he would not touch me. I now wished I would have told someone because I know this was the beginning of what literally affected every relationship I ever had with any man in my life. That is why, when my dad (who was supposed to always love me unconditionally) threw me away, it became the final straw for me. I just gave up completely and did not want to be seen or heard by any man ever again. I believe that also was when I started feeding myself in order to comfort myself so that I wouldn’t have to be seen. So this is where I start by confessing this horrible thing to God…easily said, but very hard to do. They say one of the things I must do in order to truly forgive this man is to go to him and tell him I forgive him for what he did. Although I am going to truly try to put this part of my life in the past, because I do want to be released from it, still I couldn’t go to him. He is an elderly man in his eighties, and his family has cut me out of their lives just as my mom and dad did. I choose to leave this as I have, and not go back to face him. I am hoping that is going to be enough for me to go forward. I am still frightened to speak in a crowd when men and women are present. But I do let myself be seen by some of my brothers in Christ now. I even give them a hug every now and then, and even let them hug me back. I cannot tell you what a huge step that has been for me to allow myself to be hugged by them. Having my best friend’s husband make a personal commitment to help me in my journey has also helped. I really believe that he believes in me. He is such a good man who loves and respects Jan and their daughter so much. There is still this little part of me, though, that does still fear that if I ever make him mad enough, he will not want to help me anymore. He will shut me out of his life just like everyone else has done to me. I think more than him actually doing that, I am more afraid of going back into the darkness if he does, and this time I may not be able to come back out. So while I do admire and respect him, I still keep a very strong wall up to protect me from that fear. When I get to the end of my journey, I would like to think I could trust to have a friend like Chuck without worrying about having that wall between us to protect me. Entry # 14 More and more, as the darkness leaves my heart, my eyes begin to see clearly again. My mind starts to process all the damage that I have done to myself while I slowly gave up on life, love, hopes, dreams and my faith in God. Today my new battle is the acceptance of my life as I see it today. I ask myself if I am worthy of the level of forgiveness that God has given to me for all the damage that I did. I question that, even if God has forgiven me, does it come with a price? Is that price learning to accept that, because of the physical, mental and financial damage that I did, this was it for me in this world? Each time I would ask the leaders (who society says we are accountable to) for help, they would reply by saying that all the reports they go by tell them I have not managed my life as I should have. So by the laws of society, they say I cannot go forward and achieve more than I already have. Do I accept the reality of who I am, a woman being presently confined in this slice of what we call "the world" today? I need to ask myself at every turn along the way if I am accepting this present moment. Am I just pretending, trying to escape into the darkness of my past or, even worse, a new darkness for my future? Do I get my forgiveness without having my "White Snow" moment from God? Does God say, "I forgive you, Sonja," but only at this one level of acceptance? Then finally, do I accept that my life here in this world will be one of a good heart, but a heart that has to continue to struggle because the damage was just too deep to be restored for this world to accept me? These are my demons, my new battles now…a new form of darkness trying to find a place in my heart that I have worked so hard to restore so that I can come back to God. For a long time, I saw myself in a tug-of-war with all those people who hurt me, working hard to forgive them one-by-one to make that rope around me become lighter. What I didn’t see until now is that all those people were just the ones that put that darkness in my heart. It was me pulling on that rope all alone, against my own self, that was doing all the damage to me. I did forgive all those people one-by-one, but the rope still pulled just as hard as before I started my journey. I began to see that it was simply because I had spent so much time working on getting all the ugliness and grudges I held from the list of people that hurt me, that I forgot to add the most important person of all to that list…me. I become overwhelmed as I start to truly face my own cross on the way to my new life. So I come to Jesus now for encouragement, remembering that Jesus also realized the enormity of the suffering he was soon to face in His own cross. A year ago, I believed it was God saying, "Sonja, it is time for you to just stand still and accept that you don’t get the hopes and dreams, just peace." Now, at this date and time, new emotions come to me because I do think I deserve to have hopes and dreams. Now my new self is fighting this battle with my old self that, while the darkness has been erased from my heart, it is still in my mind, questioning me every step of the way. I yearn more than ever for God to bring some clarity to all this fear, doubt and confusion that are trying to tear down all that I have worked so hard to rebuild. Now I listen hard, seek council and ask for guidance when confusion clouds my mind and tears at my new heart. One thing I have learned is that I still have years and years of thoughts stored in my mind, taught to me by the people who did not follow the teachings of God. I do believe that the heart and the mind have to do this journey together. While the heart is healing, the mind has to be reprogrammed in order for me to be able to live in that truth completely. I think that is why I questioned myself so much each time I had a joyful moment coming closer to God. Just as quickly as it came, it would also go away. I now take a list that I made of old truths and new truths with me everywhere I go. Each time I feel those thoughts coming in (of the people who sought to destroy me), I read that list of new truths of who I really am in the eyes of God. Now the joyful moments are becoming longer and longer. I know I am getting closer to becoming the person that God wants me to be. This is what I know now, that mercy and truth go hand-in-hand. God cannot give you mercy until you face the truth of your life and repent with real genuineness. You must be hungry for something real and genuine for your life because truth, and truth alone, is what is real.

Links to this post

Create a Link

About me

  • I'm healing hoves
  • From
  • after 20 years of emotional abuse from my family, I have finally taken the steps to comeback to God's Grace and Love. I have been in recovery at Celebrate Recovery for two and one half years. These journals I will be adding from my first book are my encounters of my first two years of recovery. I am writing a second book Healing Hooves it will be a story about my 12 year old daughter who is wheel chair bound and how she found reached to great elements of success thru horse thearpy
My profile