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God does have a dream for me

daring to dream again Entry # 15 It comforts me to know that God does have a dream for me. In fact, He has dreams for all of us, including my two wonderful daughters. Knowing this gives me hope that they too can find their true purpose in life. In the early years of my children’s lives, I believed my father when he told me that my children were destined to suffer because they were born of sinful love, that they would always have to pay for my unforgivable sin. For many years, every time I looked into their eyes, I saw my sin in them, and that made me feel unworthy to be their mother. Guilt was the only emotion I let control me in every decision I made for those two girls for many years. It was me that created the very dragon that now lives in my oldest daughter Robyn’s life that now seeks to destroy her. Her darkness did not come to her because of the choices she made. She was simply a victim of circumstance from the very demons that once controlled me, demons that were passed down to me from my very own father and mother. Not only did I give Robyn a life of bondage, I also completely took away her childhood by spending all my time preparing her to become Jesse’s caregiver so I could leave this world. As Robyn got older, she became more and more angry…angry because my family, and even her own dad’s family, chose not to acknowledge that she was worthy of existence. She was angry with me for cheating her of her chance to build her own dreams and to have hopes of all the possibilities of what she could be when she grew up. I fed that anger by letting myself be her punching bag to take her anger out on as a young child. I did that because of the guilt I felt inside of me for what I was doing to her life. There were so many mistakes I made with her, and the worst thing of all was that they were all done simply because of my own parents’ mistakes that were made in me. We didn’t have the tools needed to know any better, so we all just did what we thought had to be done according to the standards of the world we lived in. Now at the age of twenty, Robyn’s anger has grown to rage, bitterness and even hatred. All those emotions make her run from God as I did for the last twenty years of my life. She has committed social and financial suicide as well as trying to end her own life. It was in June of 2004 that Robyn tried to take her life by taking a bottle of pills. She managed to call 911, however, when she started to feel herself really slipping away. I have seen sadness, anger and even rage in her eyes when she looked at me, but never total emptiness. It was a big wake-up call for me. Changes had to be made in our lives as mother and daughter because she was now getting the same look of complete hopelessness in her eyes for me that I carried for my own parents for years. In the past, I did try to save her. But each time I did, it only brought more disappointment into her heart for me. Thinking back on it now, how could I have saved her when it took me over twenty years to come out of my own darkness? After years of fighting with her, and failing, I started to believe she truly was destined to fail in life, and it was all because of my sins. That would be her price to pay for the rest of her life, or at least as long as I was on this earth. I have seen, through Robyn’s eyes and heart, that her pain is much too deep for me to help her as the mom she has always known me to be. I have to forgive myself for believing she could never have a chance in life because of me. More importantly, I have to ask her to forgive me. I do know that God truly wants her to be free and have healing in her life. It is Satan’s dream for her to let that dragon, which now owns her heart, control her destiny. The good thing is that God’s dream was put in her heart long before she became that victim of darkness, and it is still in her heart just waiting to come shining through. I know now that I cannot save Robyn, only God can do that. What I do know, though, is that through my own recovery process, she can gain glimmers of hope to give her strength for her own journey that she will be traveling on someday in her future. So this is where my new trust and faith in God stands the test of time. God has shown me that I need to step back and listen to what Robyn is trying to say, and learn how to support her in a new way. I pray that, by doing this, she can find a way somehow to let go of the pain she now feels when she looks in my eyes. I want Robyn to truly be able to reach that unreachable star, to have all the things that she never dared to dream of having in her life because of the darkness given to her and myself. She is one amazing young lady who has unlimited possibilities, and she deserves to be able to go out and explore just what her own purpose truly is. I have given her to God completely, and trust that in His time, His hands will heal her. I will continue to support her by showing her every chance I can how God is changing my life, and maybe her heart will soften just enough to let that one little flicker of light come through that I know is underneath all that darkness so that God can start His work with her. I have asked her for forgiveness, and I truly believe she does still have a place for me underneath all that anger so that she can forgive me someday. I remember the last thing she said to me before she left home was, "Mom, you think you are so much better than me because you go to church. You have been to the road adventure and are in recovery and you say you now know God. Well, I know God too." She told me that when she hears my voice, it sets off a trigger in her mind that makes her have rage and hate for me. While I told her I appreciated her telling me that, and it was a big step for us, I did however let it stop right there without going any further. I wish I could have had the strength to tell her that I knew exactly how she felt because my own dad made me feel that same exact way. I know that if my dad were alive today and had the strength to tell us, he would say that his dad made him feel those same feelings. I pray for her constantly to find a way to break this chain that I have bound her with. My wish for her is that she will not ever have to have the same conversations with her own child that she has had to have with me. I did write her a letter a few days after she left telling her, "Yes, Robyn, I am sure you know God. The only difference from me and you at this time in life is that, while you know God, you are also running as fast and hard as you can from God, and that is because of Satan. He knows you want to be healed and forgiven, and even to forgive. Satan also knows your mom knows the way to fight him now, and yes, it is with the Road Adventure, Celebrate Recovery, church and my CR family. Satan also knows that I, Sonja, your mother, not only know God, but that I quit running and gave my life to Him along with all my past garbage. So Satan now has me as his strongest weapon to use against you right now, and he is working overtime to do it. Until you see this, Robyn, you will always have rage for me. However, the great thing is that, while Satan is aiming your rage right at me, I know the whole story now because I am healed, I am recovering. God is waiting for you, Robyn, and when you are ready He will give you the tools to forgive, to be forgiven and even to heal completely. So I will close to you by saying I love you. I will pray for you, and I do HOPE that someday you will get your own recovery to be healed. When that time comes, I will be here for you as I always have and always will be. I love you, Mom." Entry #16 The one hard thing a person has to do when going through recovery is to take a look at the actual damage you did while living your life running from God and being controlled by darkness. As a young adult, I was a very active woman and rode horses all the time. I managed to stay healthy and fit and took great pride in my appearance. After my father’s words took over my heart, I started to hide more and more within myself. I went from a size eight to weighing over 400 pounds by the age of forty-seven. I thought the best way to deal with my pain was to stop existing to the world. If I no longer cared about myself, then no one else would care about me either, and I could leave the outside world out of my life. I also took my children along on that ride of destruction, and they too now fight the battle of weight and good health as I do. As I am learning to love myself again, it is really hard for me to see the actual damage that I have done to my outer body, and also the damage that I have caused to my two daughters. My biggest fear has been of men due to all the abuse by all those men in my life who were supposed to unconditionally love and protect me. This fear has destroyed two marriages, potential friendships, and has even hindered the current job I have because a man is my manager. He is a good Christian man, but still I find myself shaking and clumsy in my choice of words whenever we have to meet, or I have to speak at one of our group meetings. I know I am setting the same weak example for my daughters, and I do wish to break that cycle of destruction so they might have a chance at a future with their own love of a good man someday. I have managed to make some new friends and even allow myself to be hugged by some of my male church family members now. I can feel my body shake and my voice crack when they get too close to me, though, because I still feel so ugly as a woman seen through a man’s eyes. While I am trying to work on this, I do not kid myself because I am still very weak and have not found the courage yet to get deeper than the pain of the damage that I did to myself. Sometimes now when I dream (yes, I have actually gone back to dreaming without fear of my demons coming back to me), I see myself healthy again and even having a new relationship in my life. My best friend Jan tells me sometimes that I will have love again. While I just laugh at her and say it is just not in the cards for me to have that, secretly I am wishing and hoping that what she says could actually come true for me. I feel healthy in my heart now, but I still continue to hurt myself by not being able to be strong enough to get my whole body back in the good shape it was in before I let the darkness take me away. While I was running from God, I could never see me as someone having any kind of a future. I do not see that anymore. I want to see what tomorrow brings, see my girls grow, and be there when the chains of darkness are broken from them as mine have been. I dream of a day when we can be a family of three again, living together with complete peace, joy and healing for us all. I am learning that it is the heart of a person, rather than the look of a person, that measures their worth. That gives me the courage to keep trying harder to find that place way down deep inside of me that can help me overcome this part of my life. Being overweight has been hard on my recovery process and hard for Jesse too. Spending every waking moment in a wheelchair is difficult enough for her, but the extra weight makes life for her even harder. She has had over fourteen surgeries in the ten years that she has been around, and each one had difficult recoveries because her weight made the surgeries more complicated than they would have been if she had been her proper weight. Her last one was twelve hours long, and it took her four months to just be able to get in and out of her wheelchair again. She has had so much pain in her life, and each time I would see that look in her eyes pleading with me to take it away, my heart just bled the deepest of tears for her. I knew it was me that brought all this suffering to what has always been a difficult life for her. Jesse loves horses so much, and her big dream is to be an accomplished horse rider and win a buckle in a big stock show. She talks constantly of someday having her own horse and riding it down the road all on her own. Someday she even wants to be able to help other people with afflictions by teaching them the same kind of horse therapy that has been such a wonderful part in her own physical recovery. I do feel guilty at times when I look at her because I see this obstacle of weight (that was brought on to her by me) keeping her from so many possibilities. We joined the YMCA to start a water therapy program for us both. It is so amazing to see Jesse in that water. She can stand, jump, jog and even run in that water. She is so tall and proud when she is in there, and I love watching her do the workouts. For me, the tough part has been having all the people stare at me. I am so big, and I look so horrible in my bathing suit. It is very hard for me to get in and out of the water, and I see the women looking down to the ground as I pass by and then talking in low breaths to each other after I go by. I did let this be a deterrent to me in the beginning, and I would not take us as often as I should have. I am getting better now, and I pray daily for the courage to get in that car and drive us to that Y. I still find more reasons for us not to go than reasons to go, and I do hope and pray that someday I can end this battle once and for all, and be able to give one hundred percent to this cause for my daughter and me. It will be a tough battle to fight, but seeing Jesse in an element of such great success in that water does encourage me for her. Sometimes when I dream now, I also see Jesse and me in a state of good health together and doing things we dare not even attempt to do now. I would love to go to Disney World with her and Robyn again and be able to sit in the same car and ride a ride with her. We got to go three years ago with Kidd Kids, but I could not fit in any of the rides or walk much at all, so basically all she got to do was ride about four rides, go on a plane and see Mickey and Minnie Mouse. While it was fun, it still was not the perfect Magic memory it could have been if I had been able to do my part in being there with her and Robyn. I hope someday to be able to make that up to them both. Maybe someday I will also get to see her in her very best element on a horse winning that belt buckle at the stock show, and actually see that expression of complete happiness when she picks up her blue ribbon and winning belt buckle. Or maybe it will be something as simple as just riding down the road. Who knows what the future holds for her? I know the more I come out of this darkness, the better it is for her to start her own life of dreams, hopes and possibilities without being afraid for her mother.

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About me

  • I'm healing hoves
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  • after 20 years of emotional abuse from my family, I have finally taken the steps to comeback to God's Grace and Love. I have been in recovery at Celebrate Recovery for two and one half years. These journals I will be adding from my first book are my encounters of my first two years of recovery. I am writing a second book Healing Hooves it will be a story about my 12 year old daughter who is wheel chair bound and how she found reached to great elements of success thru horse thearpy
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