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Loosing everything that tells the story of who you are COMING OUT OF THE DARKNESS Entry # 1 For the last eighteen years of my life, I have traveled in darkness, controlled by the demons that overpowered my heart and took control of my every thought and move. I found every way (that my demons allowed me to obtain) to totally erase myself from existence to the outside world. In that process, I also started the foundation for my two beautiful daughters' lives to be one of fear, unworthiness and uncertainty. The one good thing in all of this, though, was that (while I was in this world of darkness, unworthiness and hopelessness) I managed to be seen and heard just enough so that, somewhere out there, someone was praying for God to bring just enough light into my life to start a journey of recovery back to Him. That prayer was answered, and this is the story of my road to recovery back to God. In March 2003, my two daughters and I had just moved into this cute little one-bedroom house with a garage apartment on one-half acre of land. It was a happy moment in a time of constant struggle, and we looked forward to finally getting to build some good memories together in that house. My older daughter Robyn got to have an apartment of her own. Jesse, my younger daughter, and I would share the house. Just two weeks after we moved in, we had a fire in the utility room. The whole garage apartment and utility room burned to the ground. We lost everything we owned that day, everything that told the story of who we were. Growing up away from family with no support made life a struggle for us. I always tried every way I could to have little keepsakes for the girls to have so they could have some kind of meaning in life. All of that was destroyed in the fire, and the girls were heartbroken over that loss. Robyn moved out to a friend’s home (rather, the closest thing she had to calling a friend) because there was no room in what was left of the house for all three of us. She seemed to become even angrier after the fire. I have to admit I didn’t fight for her to stay when she left. It was so hard making the choice to let her go out of our lives. I didn’t learn until much later the depth of pain that this decision brought to her heart. The summer was hard for Jesse, not having her sister there. Jesse was born with spina bifida, and she has already had thirteen surgeries in her short life. She leans on her big sister for strength because Robyn is not just her family, but she's also her best and only real friend. One of the things Robyn would do when she became angry was to lash out at me about how I forgot about her when Jesse came. She would yell at me that my whole life had become all about just Jesse. I think that has taken a toll on Jesse, and she blames herself for her sister being so angry with me and even her sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, though, for if Jesse is in pain, Robyn’s heart cries for her. She does love her little sister, and I believe she sometimes even feels the same pain that Jesse does when she is going through one of her surgeries. I know that it is the darkness in Robyn that I put in her that makes her say those things when she rages at me. However, I do hate that Jesse has to hear her, and I hope that Robyn and Jesse can make their own peace about that someday. July came, and Jesse and I were starting to manage again from picking up the pieces of what the fire did to us. Jesse also had a surgery in July that was twelve hours long. It was total reconstruction of her bladder. There were complications, and she had to overcome great pain. At the same time, the transmission went out in my car. My job was in Dallas, so I had to quit due to Jesse's complications and the fact that I no longer had a car to drive. It was right then in my life that I realized how much I had depended on Robyn to be that surrogate mom for me. Not having her there this time was very difficult for me, as well as for Jesse. It seemed that the world was hitting my family with everything it had to bring us completely down. I remember one day in August of that same summer, I was sitting on the porch trying to figure out how to tell my daughters that this was it. It was time for their lives to begin with each other because I knew that the demons had finally completely won and taken over my whole being. I felt as if my life on this earth would be ending soon. I could no longer hold out and fight those feelings that haunted my heart and soul. I knew now that I would never again be the person I used to think I was. The one and only reason that I had trained myself to continue existing was to prepare Robyn to take care of Jesse, who will always be wheelchair-bound. By doing this, I could finally let go of all the darkness that controlled my life. I believed that this was the way to have peace again in my heart and to take my sin out of my daughters' lives for good. Now I couldn’t even do that because I had alienated Robyn so much that she too decided to leave my life completely. I just couldn’t get the strength to make myself continue for those two wonderful girls of mine any longer, even though I knew they would have no one else in this world to depend on once I left. My journey began in the fall of 2003, sitting on that front porch of my little one-bedroom house conceding to the darkness that haunted my life. Entry #2 Today, I am here and able to write this journal of my life simply because of God's Grace, as the friends of Satan were making their final plans to control the last days of my life. God had set forth His own plans to rescue me and start me on the path of recovery back to Him. It all began when this blue Isuzu Rodeo came driving up my driveway as I sat on that porch. A woman got out to say, "You looked as if you were in need, so I just decided to stop and ask if there was anything I could do for you." I knew this woman because we had exchanged "hellos" at our daughters' horse therapy classes that they shared. Her name was Jan. Over the years, I had learned not to accept the words of people who ask if they can help you. This was because, when they see that we do not have what others have and that we cannot meet most of the simple expectations that life requires, they would always just quietly exit our lives. However, this woman's voice seemed different to me, and I felt she was genuinely listening when I told her what my family was facing at this time. Jan gave me a hug, something no one has done to me in years. She asked me if I would mind if she shared my words with her church family to see if they could help us in some way. With hesitation in my voice, I said, "Yes, you may." After she left, for the very first time in many years, I felt this calmness inside of me. While I was still convinced that it was time to let the father of darkness finish his work, I could also hear Jan's voice say, "Please, let me help you." I went in the house and just stayed quiet while I put Jesse to bed. That night, I remember going to bed and sleeping without the voices of darkness haunting me and putting more fear into my heart. I absolutely know now that God had chosen Jan to be His living angel on earth to come to me and make His voice louder in my heart than those of His adversaries on that day when those demons wanted to finally finish their work in me. Entry #3 Although my mind had convinced me that Jan would not be back to see me, the actual kindness in her voice when she spoke to me seemed to have given me the second-wind I needed to continue on. With no job, I knew I must find a way to at least have shelter and food for Jesse and me. My van had enough power in it to go about six miles in low gear before it would completely lock-up, so that is just what I did. I managed to find a couple of food banks to help us out for the time being. Days passed, and we were barely getting by, but somehow I managed not to let the darkness bring me down completely. About a week or so later, Jan came back by. I ran outside to meet her in the driveway because I was embarrassed to have her come into my house because everything we owned was so used and worn. She got out of the car and held out her hand with over $250 cash in it. She was looking at me with a smile that I saw came straight from her heart. This woman, with absolutely no other motivation than doing an act of pure kindness, was standing there with her heart in hand giving hope once again to me for my family. In just a matter of minutes, just like she did before, Jan had come in and out of my life, leaving a footprint on my heart. As I stood there watching her go down the road, tears were streaming down my face, and I could not remember if I properly thanked her or not. I hoped that she could see it in my face and voice, and somehow I think she could.

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About me

  • I'm healing hoves
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  • after 20 years of emotional abuse from my family, I have finally taken the steps to comeback to God's Grace and Love. I have been in recovery at Celebrate Recovery for two and one half years. These journals I will be adding from my first book are my encounters of my first two years of recovery. I am writing a second book Healing Hooves it will be a story about my 12 year old daughter who is wheel chair bound and how she found reached to great elements of success thru horse thearpy
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