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mother and child Entry # 12 It is time for me to begin the real work of my recovery process, and I must start by acknowledging what my parents did to me and getting past the pain of it. I know that what my parents did to me was a horrible thing and, even more, what they did to their own granddaughters. My parents were the ones who started what would be twenty years of emotional self-destruction for me. What was it that made me so weak when I made that one decision in my life that made my parents choose to throw me out of their lives completely? As I am learning more and more from being in recovery, I think the biggest mistake my parents made with us kids was that they didn’t teach us as young children about God. I also believe that they too had left God and given-in to living their lives by how society said they must live. I was never able to build that foundation of faith, love and trust in the beginning of my life with God, so when I really needed Him I didn’t know how to reach out to Him. The only truth I knew were my father’s words telling me I had lost my value in life and with God. Therefore, all I knew was to fear God as I feared my own father. As I started to try to understand why my dad did all this, I began to look at his own life, or what I knew of his life from stories I had heard in the past. I know that my dad’s own mom died at a very early age, and his dad became a very angry alcoholic after that. He soon re-married, and my aunt told me she was the step-mother from Hell. She would give the world to her own kids, and make my dad and his siblings do without. She also emotionally abused them on a daily basis. I know none of this excuses him for what he did, but I can see now how (just like me) he had his own dark dragons that made him do so many ungodly things. He never allowed himself to get the help that I am getting now. So, while at the end of his life I am told he was reading his Bible, I do not believe he lived in the word of what he read. I believe he was only finding comfort from those words. My dad died over two years ago and, while I was never able to look into his eyes and get the answers I wanted, I did manage to get some closure during my recovery process. However, with my mom it has been a bigger battle for me to start the forgiving process for what she did to the girls and me and is still doing. Years ago, when I had gone to my aunt’s house in San Angelo after leaving Timmy, my mom told me on the phone that, as long as my dad was alive, she had to respect what he asked of her. She said that meant, for the time being, that she had to put Robyn and me out of her life. I let that be her free pass for years and years, even after the birth of my second child Jesse. I did try to talk to her a handful of times in the last twenty years with forced conversations, trying to break that wall down. However, she always held steadfast about doing what my father asked of her. There were times in those twenty years that she did come to my aid financially when it meant the difference of me being able to take care of the girls or having no other choice but to be on the streets with them. That has just been a handful of times, and she always sent the money thru Linda without a word to go with it. Linda told me she never let my dad know that she was helping me. I used to think it was her way of showing us that she did love us, quietly telling me that someday when she got the courage to face Dad, she would come and let us into her life. I even led the girls to believe this was her only way of showing her love to us, and I think they held on to the same hopes that I did about someday getting to meet her. After my dad died, I thought this was my chance to rebuild that relationship with my mom. I truly believed that Jesse and Robyn were finally going to get to have a grandmother. When I called my Aunt Billie Jayne to ask her how to help me with this, she told me something that my mom had just told her. She said my mom said that she knows she will probably not get into heaven for this, but she still chooses not to have the girls or me in her life at all. I was so angry when my aunt told me this. How could she do this to me and to her two grandchildren? I know she held me and looked into my eyes the way I did my own girls' eyes when they were just babies. I have heard her say as I was growing up how proud she was to have me as her daughter. What I could not understand is how she could think that I was so disgusting that she does not even want to go to heaven because of me. This battle got even harder for me than ever before. How was I going to tell my girls that all those acts of kindness had no love at all sent with them? I think it had been just a feeling of forced obligation to me, with no thought of the girls at all in her decisions. To forgive her, knowing she is still on this earth thinking those kinds of thoughts about my girls and me, well I just didn’t know if that was going to be possible for me to do. Being so new to this "living in God’s light" does make things confusing for me at times. I do believe that God did give us two wonderful gifts for our lives. He gave us His only son who died so that we may be saved from our sins. He also gave us free will so that we can choose how we want to conduct our lives knowing that Jesus died for us. It is that free-will part that I am seeing that we, as human beings, seem to get tripped-up on, myself included. I guess I could spend all my time and energy trying to decide how I am going to deal with all this anger and sadness that my mom has once again brought into my life. Or I could just put all of that on hold for right now and take that same time and energy and invest it in my ongoing recovery. That is what I am going to do. I will trust that, as I continue to heal and become closer to my walk with God, all this anger and sadness will fade away and be replaced with the forgiveness I am struggling with at this time. I made a promise to my girls at the very beginning of their lives that I would never be to them what my parents ended-up being to me. That is why I sheltered them and put so many conditions in my parenting to protect them from the outside world. Still, my darkness found a way into their hearts, and now it is working hard to destroy my oldest daughter just like it almost destroyed me. There has to be something here, something that could take two completely different sets of parents that instilled totally different values in their children, but still cause the same destruction. I started to look at my relationship with my mom compared to the relationship I have with Robyn and Jesse. While going back to my journals and re-living all our lives, I realized what it was that my mom as well as myself left out of our parenting. Just like my parents did with me, I also failed to build that foundation of knowing, loving and trusting God in my own children’s lives. So when my darkness started to enter Robyn’s life, just like me, she didn’t know what to do other than to run and be angry with everyone in her life. I started to see the cycle of how we all did the same things whenever life hit us with anything at all. My mom and dad ran from God when they gave in to the rules of society. I ran from God because I didn’t know God, and now Robyn is running from God too. I had even started to see the sadness in Jesse’s eyes as her heart cried for her big sister and her mom who was so sad all the time. I now see through my recovery that it is my children who are the key to unlocking this chain of ongoing self-destruction that has been passed down to us from generation to generation. From its very beginning, every life has a searching soul, and God has planted in that life a seed to be grown and nurtured. That way, as we face the trials of our life, we will have His foundation in us to endure all that the world throws at us. We must hold dear our children’s lives, every beat of their hearts from the very beginning when God hands their precious lives over to us to nurture. That is the key early in life. This is why I must now stand firm for the truth that I have been blessed to see, so that that truth will be seen in me always. I refuse to believe that we are only here to live and die and to never in our life ask why. I am fighting the battles of darkness and have felt God in my life once again. These battles fought, and lessons learned, are the things I must give to my own children now. They are the ones who are going to have to carry on down the very same road that was left for me to travel by my own parents. Only now, because I have begun to heal, they will have the power to pave a better way to travel down that road. What a blessing that would be for them to rebuild that road to be a place that their own children could travel on…a place to hope and dream of all the possibilities of what their lives could be, instead of just being the victims of dark circumstances like I had to be. Knowing that does bring peace to my heart.

Hello SOnja. I have read your posts and felt led to comment. I understand the difficulty of forgiving those who have cause us great pain. I wasn't able to forgive. Eventually I called out to the Lord and asked Him to give me his love and forgiveness for the person. It worked. Really and truly.
I can't explain the light heartedness that I felt after I forgave those who had hurt me and my children so badly, but I can say I have felt like a new person, and ablut a hundred pounds lighter! Carrying around that pain id very tireing.
I hope you will continue with the group you are in, They sound like wonderful prople and i'm sure the Lord led you to them for a purpose.
GOd Bless you dear and continue healing you.

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About me

  • I'm healing hoves
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  • after 20 years of emotional abuse from my family, I have finally taken the steps to comeback to God's Grace and Love. I have been in recovery at Celebrate Recovery for two and one half years. These journals I will be adding from my first book are my encounters of my first two years of recovery. I am writing a second book Healing Hooves it will be a story about my 12 year old daughter who is wheel chair bound and how she found reached to great elements of success thru horse thearpy
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