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Taking the hand of God's Warrior and giving Him my Trust Entry #6 I haven’t paid much attention to the calendar days of the month since I quit my job last July. Time mostly goes by on a day-to-day basis. As I am getting stronger, it seems to be going by on a week-to-week basis, and that is a good thing. I woke up this morning, and here it is November already. Three months have gone by since I sat on my porch conceding to the powers of darkness that were controlling my every thought and move. Jesse and I have now started going to church with Chuck and Jan every Sunday. At first I felt too embarrassed to go. I do not know God’s words, and I have no clothes fit to be seen in, especially at a place of worship. I have even caught myself still being mad at God sometimes. Still, I managed to get Jesse and myself ready every Sunday, and we were always outside waiting when Chuck and Jan came by to pick us up. I thought that taking Jesse to church (even with God still being mad at me) would be a good way for me to take my sins away from her so she wouldn’t be punished so harshly anymore. I still feel very guilty for all the afflictions that have been put on my children's lives because I was such a sinful mother. While I was still not convinced that this God-thing could help me, I did have hope that maybe it could help my two girls. I found myself sitting in church each Sunday with uncontrollable tears, and they came down constantly while I was there. They were not the kind of tears I had ever experienced before, and that was one of the reasons I was always drawn back each Sunday. At times, I could still hear the voices telling me I was not worthy of all this new attention, but they did seem to get quieter when I was in that church building sitting next to my good friend Jan. She always had such compassion for me, and still does. Each Sunday when the pastor spoke, it was as if God was saying to him, "You see that woman out there? She is hurting and confused. She needs you to give her just the right words so that she can get one step closer to this thing she is yearning for to come back into her heart." After about a month of going, I felt as if my tears were making me feel a connection with what this place could do to get my heart to feel again. I wished that God could love me the way I always heard the pastor talk about His love for all the others that go to this church. I am glad that, in the beginning, I didn’t have a car that would work well enough to take Jesse and me, because we probably would never have made that first step even though I knew it was the right place to be at this time in our lives. I guess that was just one more spiritual marker of God keeping up with the details of my life while I was running so hard from Him. He knew it would take someone strong to get me to go, so he brought Chuck and Jan to me. One day after church, Chuck was at a booth promoting this thing called the Road Adventure, and something told me to ask him if it was something that could help me get some clarity to my thoughts. I asked him if it was just about church and religion, and he said no. It is a place to go to find out what is really down deep in the pits of your soul that is causing you to hurt so badly. He said it would give you the tools you need to start the healing process and even help you find your real purpose again. That part sounded really good to me because I felt that my only purpose in life was to watch my children pay for my sins, so maybe this could help me to heal them. I asked him if I could go, and he told me I could and that he would even let me ride back and forth with him. Chuck was learning that he was going to have to give his strength to God on my behalf right now, because I was just too weak to do this on my own. I am so grateful to him for knowing that and for seeing enough value in me to follow through with it. So we started a couple of weeks later to the Road Adventure, which would help me to begin my battle of self-recovery. I started that first night, still hearing the voices in my head telling me that I lived in a world where I could never rise above the burdens of my pain. My heart knew it had been broken completely, for I had been left behind not only by mankind but also by God. While others could dream and fly to places where they could be loved, I could not. My dreams would always be taken over by my father’s words, which would turn my dreams into haunting fears, until one day I didn’t even dare to dream at all. In the beginning at the Road, I sat mostly by myself shaking almost to the point of coming to tears. I even tried to get up and leave once when the message was too much for me to comprehend, but the trainers came after me. They convinced me that this was the bad stuff trying to surface so that I could face my fears. Then I would find the real meaning of what was tearing at my heart. I went back, and somehow got the courage to give more of myself to this thing called the Road Adventure. After two weeks of hard work, I learned how to get the right tools to reach down deep into my heart and pull out all those old tapes of the things that kept me in a life of destruction. I even began to learn how to start working on forgiving those who had damaged my heart in the first place, and that was a big, big step for me. I was told that when I could finally let go of all the fears that controlled my life and forgive them, then I could learn to forgive myself. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But every time I managed to honestly work through each step, my heart felt just a little bit lighter. Maybe that is the secret to all of this - to do it honestly, no matter how hard that might be. I also saw that there are people out there in the world that I could rely upon to follow through on what they committed to me. Those people are becoming the guardians of my recovery process. One of the last things that happens to everyone at the Road is to be put in a Cradle of Love. The way they do this is to pick you up as if you were lying down, floating on air. Then they play a song that they hand-picked just for you, and then they rock you back and forth until the song stops. I knew ahead of time that this was going to happen, but as it got closer to me, fear started to completely take over my body. This was mainly because one of the things that I had done to myself throughout the last twenty years was to damage my body severely. I went from weighing about 150 pounds to weighing about 400 pounds at the time I was at the Road. I was so afraid to have these people touch my body, especially the men, because of my shame over how I looked. Chuck saw that I was losing control, so he came up to me and put his hands in my hands and said, “Will you trust me to help you through this?” I told him I could. He took me over to the middle of the room, and all these people surrounded me. They told me to just very calmly fall backwards, and let my feet come up as I did. I was crying and calling out for Chuck, but they all stayed right there with me, never once faltering because I was so heavy. Before I knew it, I was all the way in the air, lying in all their arms and being rocked like a newborn baby. At first, I shook and shook, and called for Chuck even more than I did at the beginning when he first asked to help me. Then all of a sudden, I began to feel this calmness rush all through me. I could feel the tears of the people around me hitting my body. These people, who did not know me, were all holding me, rocking me and even crying for me. It felt as if God had come to me that very moment to console me, even saying to me that, if I could find a way to give my faith to Him, then He could find a way to heal me. Maybe if I did this, then God would forgive me of the sinful love I put into my children’s lives that my father spoke of. To be forgiven by God was one thing I was just not sure could happen for me yet, but if I forgave all the people who hurt my girls, then maybe He really would take my sins from my children. So this would be the beginning of my new goal in life, and it would give me purpose for the time being and, for right now, that is all I could ask for. It was a very profound moment for me, one that I have never experienced in my life before, and the beginning of what now was to be the greatest journey I would ever travel.

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About me

  • I'm healing hoves
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  • after 20 years of emotional abuse from my family, I have finally taken the steps to comeback to God's Grace and Love. I have been in recovery at Celebrate Recovery for two and one half years. These journals I will be adding from my first book are my encounters of my first two years of recovery. I am writing a second book Healing Hooves it will be a story about my 12 year old daughter who is wheel chair bound and how she found reached to great elements of success thru horse thearpy
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