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time for new beginnings

Entry # 19 Now that my heart is emotionally strong again, this is the time of new beginnings for me with my Lord. The first stage in this new journey is to let Him be the guide to help me heal all the physical damage that I did to myself and my girls while living in darkness for twenty years. I will begin the work of this adventure on Monday at my doctor’s office. I start this adventure weighing 430 pounds, with vascular disease that has taken over my legs and damaged my heart to where it no longer works the way it is supposed to. My knees are completely gone, and my hands have been taken over by arthritis. However, for the first time in my life, I no longer look at all this as my punishment for being a shameless sinful person. I can now see it just as it is, damage that can be fixed. I go into this with no fear, and I am completely ready to restore myself back to complete health to go along with this new life that I have been so blessed to receive again. If I can do this, then I will have won the battle over the ones that tried to emotionally destroy me. I will finally get to slay every piece of this dark dragon once and for all. I remember one Friday night in small group our discussion was on faith and if you truly knew that your faith was enough to endure all the things in life that are thrown at you. At the beginning of my journey, if someone had asked me what the word faith meant to me, I would have simply said, "I have no idea as to what the word faith means. All I can tell you is that, because of my shame, it is something that is not meant for me to have in my life." With all the tools that have been given to me on my journey of recovery, I have gained the courage to let all those emotions (that haunted me and made me believe I was destined for failure) come to the surface, and I faced them head-on one by one. Having the courage to let go of those emotions was, unknown to me at the time, my faith-building process. Doing that also gave me the strength to face the emotions that I was accountable for and change them so that I could live a life of purpose and vision instead of a life of circumstance and destruction. That is how I lost my fear and gained my faith, which I now let control the decisions I make in life for me. I know that there is a lot of hard work ahead of me, and the great thing about all this is that I can take Jesse on this adventure with me from beginning to end. She too will get new health and maybe even be able to walk better with her crutches. That way, she can get one step closer to accomplishing that dream of hers to be a winning horse-performance rider. It may seem as though my journey of recovery has come to a successful end, but in reality I am getting to take it to an even higher plane than I could have ever imagined being able to travel to. Entry #20 November 7, 2004...the day I committed my life to my savior, Jesus Christ. As I sit in the waiting room watching my friend Thomas T. baptize his own mother, tears start streaming down my face once again. I sit there with my best friend Jan by my side and looked at her husband Chuck on the other side of the baptismal tank waiting to baptize me. At that very moment, I feel the most complete sense of Peace I have ever known. In the last eighteen months, I have cried because of total fear over-taking my body, and I have cried because something new was coming into my heart after each layer of darkness (that had caused me to be afraid) was defeated. Today, once again, I am sobbing uncontrollably because I am now embracing and giving my life, faith and love to God. The same God, who for so many years I was made to believe had controlled every pain and heartache that had been given to my girls and me. Here I am at this very moment in time walking down the steps of a church I now belong to, getting ready to be baptized in holy water by my two best and dearest friends, Jan and Chuck. They are the two living angels that God sent to me over a year ago to help show me how to come home to Him. As I stand in the water listening to Chuck speak about my recovery process and how proud he and Jan are to be part of my life, I know the circle of my new life-building process is becoming complete. I saw Jesse sitting in the audience being supported by all our new, extended family members. She was smiling at her mom, knowing she was receiving her own spiritual marker from God, and I was a part of that because I fought the battles of the demons that sought to destroy me. I asked to be forgiven, and even learned to forgive those who had tortured my heart and soul. I hope and pray that some day I can be an example of God’s work, and that I can give God’s love, faith and unwavering commitment to others who are as completely lost as I was. I pray that I can give to them what Jan and Chuck have given to me on His behalf. I know how to truly be quiet and listen to God, and know that He is enough to fight and win the hardest of battles. Fear is a word that I do not let control my life anymore because I have replaced it with Faith. God’s Faith and Love, and that will endure in my heart and soul forever.

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About me

  • I'm healing hoves
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  • after 20 years of emotional abuse from my family, I have finally taken the steps to comeback to God's Grace and Love. I have been in recovery at Celebrate Recovery for two and one half years. These journals I will be adding from my first book are my encounters of my first two years of recovery. I am writing a second book Healing Hooves it will be a story about my 12 year old daughter who is wheel chair bound and how she found reached to great elements of success thru horse thearpy
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